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Healing

Why Do I Still Miss Him After Everything He Did to Me?

By Janet Barry, founder of Safe & Seen

You can recognize that a relationship harmed you and still miss the person.

That contradiction can feel painful. You remember what happened, yet part of you may still want connection, an apology, or the relationship you hoped you could have.

Missing someone does not make the harm less real. It does not mean you caused it, and it does not tell you whether returning would be safe.

As someone who has experienced an abusive relationship and spent years surviving in harmful environments, I approach this question with compassion. I know how much can become tangled together: love, fear, hope, responsibility, and the desire to finally feel understood.

You may be grieving more than the person

When a relationship ends, there can be several losses at once.

You may miss familiar routines, companionship, moments of affection, or the future you imagined. You may be grieving the hope that this person would eventually acknowledge your pain and treat you differently.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline explains that emotional attachment can coexist with abuse. Periods of affection, calm, apologies, and promises can make that attachment particularly confusing.

A useful question is: What, specifically, am I missing right now?

The answer might be closeness. Being held. Feeling chosen. Having someone to call. Those needs deserve care, even when the relationship did not meet them safely.

Good moments do not erase harmful patterns

In my own relationship, there were experiences of intimidation, belittling, disrupted sleep, and physical harm. Naming those experiences matters to me because healing requires room for the truth of what happened.

A relationship does not have to be painful every minute to be abusive.

Remembering affection does not obligate you to minimize fear. You can acknowledge that something mattered to you while also acknowledging its cost.

Gaslighting can complicate this process by undermining confidence in your memories and perceptions. That is one reason survivors may continue questioning themselves after the relationship ends.

Missing him is a feeling you can meet with care

You don’t have to shame yourself out of attachment.

From a trauma-informed perspective, I believe support should make room for your feelings while respecting your safety, pace, and choices. Safety and empowerment are central principles of trauma-informed care.

You might tell yourself:

I miss him today. I can acknowledge that feeling without making a decision about contact right now.

Then ask what would support you through this moment. Perhaps it is talking with someone trustworthy, taking a walk, painting, praying, or simply allowing yourself to feel sad.

For me, creativity, faith, and connection have become meaningful parts of finding myself again. They give me ways to reconnect with parts of my life that had been buried beneath survival.

Be curious about the hope underneath the longing

Sometimes the longing includes an unfinished question:

Will he finally understand? Will he admit what happened? Will he become the person I believed he could be?

You deserve acknowledgment. But another person may never offer the accountability you need.

You can begin taking your experience seriously without their agreement. You can seek people who listen carefully, help you examine what happened, and support your decisions without taking control of them.

If you are considering contact, especially where there has been intimidation or violence, a domestic violence advocate can help you think through your circumstances and safety.

Let your life become yours again

One of the deepest parts of my healing has been reconnecting with my identity beyond survival.

For years, strength and achievement were central to how I moved through the world. As a former Division I athlete and professional obstacle course racer, I knew how to endure. Learning to listen to my own needs has asked something different of me.

I want room for sensitivity, creativity, faith, rest, and authentic connection. I want a life where I can express who I am without constantly adapting to keep the peace.

You may be finding your way toward that too.

There is no deadline for when you must stop missing someone. There is also no requirement to wait until the longing disappears before caring for yourself.

You can miss him and still take your own experience seriously. You can grieve the relationship and keep building a life that feels more like yours.

At Safe & Seen, I offer nonclinical, trauma-informed one-on-one coaching and women’s support groups focused on rebuilding self-trust, practicing boundaries, reconnecting with identity, and finding supportive connection. Coaching can complement licensed therapy.

Learn more at safe-and-seen.com.